***********************************

Abraham Lincoln speaking to a Group of Men said, "Gentlemen, why don't you LAUGH? With the FEARFUL STRAIN that is upon me Night and Day, IF I DID NOT LAUGH, I WOULD DIE!"

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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD!

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'IS SOMEONE IN YOUR HOUSE?' and he said 'NO'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along "WHEN AVAILABLE!"

George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I JUST SHOT THEM!" Then he hung up.

Within minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed .One of the Policemen said to George: "I THOUGHT YOU SAID THAT YOU'D SHOT THEM!''

George said, "I THOUGHT YOU SAID THERE WAS NOBODY AVAILABLE!"'

(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people.

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THE PERFECT JOB!

My first "JOB" was working in an Orange Juice Factory, but I got CANNED! I could not CONCENTRATE! Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't HACK IT, so they gave me the AX! After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't SUITED for it, mainly because it was a SEW SEW JOB! Next I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was to EXHAUSTING!

Then I tried to be a Chef. I figured it would add a little SPICE TO MY LIFE, but I just didn't have the THYME. I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I SLICED it, I couldn't CUT THE MUSTARD! My best Job was being a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't NOTEWORTHY! I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any PATIENCE! Next, was a Job in a Shoe Factory. I tried, but I just didn't FIT IN! I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my NET INCOME!

I managed to get a good Job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just TOO DRAINING. So then I got a Job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't FIT FOR THE JOB. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a Job as a Historian, but there was no FUTURE IN IT! My last Job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the SAME OLD GRIND!

    SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

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                                  LAUGHTER IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL

In the book of Ecclesiastes the writer gives a good description of the multiple experiences of life.  He writes, ”To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: a time to be born and a time to die; a time to weep, and a time to laugh.”  Yes friend, the Word of God says there is “a time to laugh.”  Aren’t you thankful that our Creator included this as an important part of daily living.

The Lord knew the importance of laughter and how it affects the endorphins for healthy living. I’m sure the Lord had a smile on His face when He spoke of the person who was filled with criticism toward one who had a little pick in his eye, when he himself had a huge beam of sin in his own eye. Laughter is a plus for good health.  Different things that happen in the course of a day, or a good clean story can give us a hearty laugh.  For example,

I once read of a woman who walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.  Whether this is true or just made up I do not know.  She supposedly said, I am going to Europe on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5000.  The bank officer stated that he would need sufficient security for the loan, SO THE WOMAN HANDED OVER THE KEYS AND THE TITLE TO A NEW ROLLS ROYCE!  The bank officer agreed and enjoyed a good laugh at the woman for using a high priced Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeded to park the Rolls Royce in the bank’s underground garage.

Two weeks later, the woman returned to the bank.  She paid the $5000 she had borrowed plus the interest, which came to $15.41.  The loan officer said, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.  While you were away, we checked you out and found that YOU ARE A MULTI-MILLIONAIRE! WHAT PUZZLES US, IS WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BOTHER TO BORROW 5000 DOLLARS?

The woman replied, “WHERE ELSE IN NEW YORK CITY COULD I PARK MY ROLL ROYCE FOR TWO WEEKS FOR ONLY $15.41 AND EXPECT IT TO BE THERE WHEN I RETURNED? 

Remember, a good laugh moves those endorphins for good health.  There is a time to cry, but never forget, there is also a time to laugh.  Keep smiling!

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A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the Post Office addressed to GOD. A Postal Employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read: "DEAR GOD, MY NAME IS JIMMY. I AM 6 YEARS OLD. MY FATHER IS DEAD AND MY MOM IS HAVING A HARD TIME RAISING ME AND MY SISTER. COULD YOU PLEASE SEND US $500? The Postal Employee was touched, and showed the letter to his fellow workers, and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. THEY WERE ABLE TO RAISE $300!

A couple of weeks later, the same Post Office received a second letter addressed to GOD. The boy thanked GOD for the recent gift of cash, but ended with this request: "NEXT TIME WOULD YOU SEND THE MONEY DIRECTLY TO US, IF YOU SEND IT THROUGH THE POST OFFICE THEY DEDUCT $200.

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A Passenger in a Taxi "TAPPED" the Driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The Driver "SCREAMED" lost control of the Cab, nearly hit a Bus, drove over the Curb and stopped just inches from a large Plate of Glass Window.

For a few moments everything was "SILENT" in the Cab. Then the Driver said, "PLEASE, DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN. YOU SCARED THE DAYLIGHTS OUT OF ME." The Passenger, who was also "FRIGHTENED" apologized and said he didn't realize that a "TAP" on the shoulder could "FRIGHTEN" him so much.

To which the Driver responded, "I'M VERY SORRY, IT'S REALLY NOT YOUR FAULT. TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY DRIVING A CAB, AND YOU ARE MY FIRST PASSENGER.

YOU SEE, I'VE BEEN DRIVING A "HEARSE" FOR THE LAST 25 YEARS."

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WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, and finding a computer in his room, decided to send an email to his wife. However, he "ACCIDENTALLY" LEFT OUT "ONE" LETTER in her email address, and without realizing his "ERROR" sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message on her screen, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

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A Miracle Transformation

 An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
      
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the REVERSE DIRECTION. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
      
                           The father said to his son, "GO GET YOUR MOTHER!"

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"THROUGH THE EYES OF A CHILD"

A child was told to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching??

                                        "CHILDREN'S BIBLE IN A NUTSHELL"

 In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. 

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed upon the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.'

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Any way's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution..

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                                              TO ALL THE "SWEET TATERS" IN MY LIFE_

                                                                           CLICK HERE
                                          (http://www.frontiernet.net/~jimdandy/specials/sweettators/) 

     *************************************************************************************
"THAT FIRST KISS"

   ****************************************************************************

"THREE WISE MEN"

In a small Southern Town there was a Nativity Scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature really bothered me, for the "THREE WISE MEN" were wearing "FIREMEN'S HELMETS." Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "QUICK STOP" on the edge of Town, I asked the Lady behind the counter about the Helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me. "YOU YANKEES NEVER DO READ THE BIBLE." I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about "FIREMEN" in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffling through some pages, she finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage, and sticking it in my face, she said, in her very noticeable "SOUTHERN DRAW" see, it's right here, "THE THREE WISE MEN CAME FROM AFAR!"

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THE MOUSE TRAP!

 (Author Unknown)

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.
"What food might this contain?", the mouse wondered.  

He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning.

There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said,

"Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me.

 

 

I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him,

"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The pig sympathized, but  said,

"I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.

Be assured you are in my prayers."

     
The mouse turned to the cow and said

"There is a mousetrap in the house!  There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught.

In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer's wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever.  

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.

 
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.  

To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.

 

 

So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you,

remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk

.

We are all involved in this journey called life.

We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.
TO EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER HELPED YOU OUT 

LET THEM KNOW HOW  IMPORTANT THEY ARE.

REMEMBE R    

EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY;
OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON.

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TO ALL THE "SWEET-TATERS IN MY LIFE!

 

The new Pastor had just begun his first sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the sermon, HIS MIND WENT BLANK. After a brief second of complete panic, he remembered what they had taught him in Seminary about situations like this - JUST REPEAT THE LAST POINT! His Teacher assured him this would help him remember what was supposed to come next. SO HE GAVE IT A TRY!

"BEHOLD, I COME QUICKLY," he said. Still his mind was a complete blank. He tried again. "BEHOLD, I COME QUICKLY!" Still "NOTHING!" So he tried one more time, and speaking and gesturing with such force as he was saying "BEHOLD, I COME QUICKLY" he fell forward knocking the pulpit to one side, tripped over the flower pot, and fell into the lap of a little old lady sitting in the front row.

The Young New Preacher apologized profusely! The Dear Old Lady said, "That's alright, Young Man, "It was my fault. I should have gotten out of the way, because you

                  WARNED ME THREE TIMES THAT YOU WERE COMING!"

   ****************************************************************************

A Lady Replaces Her Windows.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the Contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for  them. Hellloooo .....  just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year,.....

   THAT IN "ONE YEAR" THESE WINDOWS WOULD "PAY" FOR THEMSELVES!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up and He never called back.

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There was a Tradesman, a painter named Jack who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would "THIN" down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local Church decided to do a big renovation project. Jack put in a painting bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and "THINNING" it down with turpentine.

Jack was up on the scaffolding painting away with the job nearly done when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky and the rain poured down washing the "THIN" paint from all over the Church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Jack was no fool, for he knew this was a judgment from the Almighty! He fell on his knees and cried, "OH GOD! FORGIVE ME! WHAT SHOULD I DO?"

From the thunder, a Mighty voice spoke, "REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"

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A little boy came home from Sunday School eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his Mother remembered that he had already spent his allowance money she normally gave to him. Surprised, she asked him where he got the money to buy the candy.

"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave to go to Sunday School," he said. "But the dollar was for Sunday School," his Mother replied.

Smiling, the lad said, "I KNOW, MOM, BUT THE PASTOR MET ME AT THE DOOR AND LET ME IN FREE!"

   ****************************************************************************

A PRICELESS TOUCH OF HUMOR

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A man and his wife were having an argument about who should "BREW" the "COFFEE" each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our COFFEE."

The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my COFFEE." The wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the BIBLE that the man should "BREW" the COFFEE"

Husband replies, "I can't believe that! SHOW ME!" So she fetched the BIBLE, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, HEBREWS!"

   ****************************************************************************

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Hanukkah cards. She said to the Clerk, "May I have 50 Hanukkah stamps?" The Clerk responded, and asked, "What denominations.

The woman replied, "OH MY! HAS IT COME TO THIS? GIVE ME 6 ORTHODOX, 12 CONSERVATIVE, AND 32 REFORMED!"

   ****************************************************************************

A Four Year Old Boy was asked to return "THANKS" before a big dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, "THANKING GOD" for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he "THANKED GOD" for Mommy, Daddy, Brother, Sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his Aunts and Uncles.

Then he began to "THANK GOD" for the food. He gave "THANKS" for the Turkey, the Dressing, the Fruit Salad, the Cranberry Sauce, the Pies, the Cakes, even the Cool Whip!

Then he paused, and everyone waited, and waited. After a long silence, the Young Fellow looked up at his Mother and asked, "IF I "THANK" GOD FOR THE "BROCCOLI" WON'T HE KNOW THAT I'M LYING."

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A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. When on the operating table, she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says NO, and explains that she has another 30 or 40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a Facelift, Liposuction, and a Tummy Tuck. She even has someone come in and change her Hair Color. She figures since she has another 30 or 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out the hospital after the last operation, and is Killed by an Ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, "I THOUGHT YOU SAID I HAD ANOTHER 30 OR 40 YEARS TO LIVE!"

The angel replies, "SORRY, I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU!"

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Watch Out For This Schemer!

Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the Pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?"

She explained, "I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on. It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, "You Look Fabulous In That Dress. Buy It!"

"Well," the Pastor said, "You know how I deal with that kind of Temptation. I say, "GET BEHIND ME SATAN!"

"I DID," replied his Wife, "BUT THEN SATAN SAID, "IT LOOKS FABULOUS FROM BACK HERE, TOO!"

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Once there was an Old Rich Man who was afraid of dying and leaving all his wealth behind on earth. So, he took up the matter with God. He pleaded day and night to be able to take all his earthly possessions with him. Finally God conceded. He said the man could take as much as he could fit in one suitcase. The old man immediately went out, bought a huge suitcase, sold all he owned and filled the suitcase with GOLD BARS.

Shortly after that, the Old Man Died. Awkwardly dragging the big heavy suitcase, he approached St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter stopped him, asked him to open his luggage, and the  told him he couldn't bring his GOLD BARS into Heaven. The Man was irate. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND," he said, "I GOT PERMISSION DIRECTLY FROM GOD HIMSELF FOR THIS. He told me whatever I could fit into one suitcase, I could bring with me."

St. Peter shrugged his shoulders and simply said, "FINE WITH ME, BUT WE ALREADY HAVE PLENTY OF "PAVEMENT" HERE!"

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ME AND THE DOCTORS

Thought I'd let my Doctor check me, cause I didn't feel quite right; All those aches and pains annoyed me, and I couldn't sleep at night. He could find no real disorder but he wouldn't let it rest, what with Medicare and Blue Cross we would do a couple tests.

To the Hospital he sent me, though I didn't feel that bad; he arranged for them to give me every test that could be named. I was Fluoroscoped and Cystoscoped my aging frame displayed, stripped on an ice cold table, while my gizzards were x-rayed.

I was checked for worms and parasites, for fungus and the crud, while they pierced me with long needles taking samples of my blood. Doctors came to check me over, probed and pushed and poked around, and to make sure I was living, they then wired me for sound.

They have finally concluded, their results have filled a page, WHAT I HAVE WILL SOMEDAY KILL ME, MY AFFLICTION IS OLD AGE.

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A Young Boy had just gotten his Driving Permit. He asked his Father, who was a Minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His Father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut, and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his Father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the Father's study where his Father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."

The Young Man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that; Samson had long hair; Moses had long hair; Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair!"

To which his Father replied, "YES, AND THEY WALKED EVERYWHERE THEY WENT."

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Whenever it is possible, I will always give CREDIT to the Author of the material printed. Unfortunately, many times they are not provided. Some of these humorous stories have been passed on to me via E-mail, some  taken from magazines, and also from other websites. I hope they will bring LAUGHTER TO YOUR HEART" and help to move your Endorphins for GOOD HEALTH!

  Challenge Of Faith Ministries